Marriage by design is meant to be for a lifetime. The two spouses through their marital vows are to commit to it till their last breath on earth. The marital experience is something that makes people very happy.
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However, as enjoyable as marriage is, it’s not a bed of roses all through. Marriage comes with its sweetness, demands, and challenges. Most times the demands and challenges of marriage could be so overwhelming and, if not well equipped, resilient, and possessing a strong personality and character, one would fail by a mile.
Here’s one fact about marriage not commonly shared: as the years roll by, the desirability level for each other may drop. The “drop” happens as a result of the following reasons:
1. Marriage that started under infatuation
2. Marriage contracted under pressure
3. Marriage contracted under family threats
4. Marriage with excessive nagging
5. Marriage with a lack of children
6. Marriage with the cheating dilemma
7. Marriage with a very difficult and unreasonable spouse
8. Marriage with a highly judgemental and critical spouse.
9. Marriage where disaffection has set in
10. Marriage with unforgiving and malicious personalities
11. Marriage with excessive selfish disposition
12. Marriage with a highly bossy and domineering Husband Or Wife.
13. Marriage with a humiliating and abusive spouse
14. Unmet needs
15. Unrealistic expectations of one’s Partner in marriage.
16. Constant heated arguments
17. Unmasked troubling secrets
When a marriage experiences one of the above-mentioned realities, continuous desirability becomes very difficult to achieve. In many marriages around the world, spouse desirability level is on the decrease. While many are aware of its reality in their marriage and are committed to addressing it, others simply pretend that such never exists and are suffering in silence. The drop in spouse desirability can affect any marriage. The reason why it happens is because we’re essentially emotional beings. The drop in spouse desirability is triggered by the seat of our emotions because our emotions have been tampered with. That’s why as spouses, we should care so much about the well-being of each other’s emotions. Please always care about how your partner feels in the marriage. Don’t work on assumptions. Work with facts.
A friend of mine once told me how in their ministry they had a couples’ retreat for their pastors. One of the features of the retreat was marriage and family life. During one of the sessions, the pastors were asked to be real with themselves for once, and boom, the unbelievable happened. Many male and female pastors said if they were going to be anything like restarting the whole process of marriage, they would not marry again their current spouses. Some said they were tired of the marriage and wanted out. Others said they can’t wait for their spouse to be deceased. The facilitator was shocked by his marrows. Well, I was not surprised at all. There is a lot of rot going on in many marriages around the world, including many Christian marriages. Unfortunately, that’s a sad reality.
The drop in spouse desirability is very real in marriage. The earlier couples identify theirs and address it, the better for them. Here are the effects of that drop in spouse desirability:
1. Disaffection
2. Irritation
3. Repulsiveness
4. Lack of care
5. Lost of intimacy appeal
6. Emotional disconnect
7. Late night hangout with friends
8. Deliberate late coming home
9. Cheating
10. Separation
11. Divorce
Since the drop in spouse desirability is triggered by something, it’s important that spouses care about their partner’s emotions by being good spouses to the best of their abilities. Since we’re not perfect beings, when the drop in spouse desirability sets in, the two spouses should:
1. Admit they are experiencing it
2. Talk about it
3. Make a commitment to improve/change.
I will end it here by saying that in the cases of:
1. Marriage contracted under infatuation
2. Forced marriage
3. Wrong marriage
There won’t be any solution because the marital foundation is a faulty one that can only be good for demolition. Spouses in these situations can only do the following:
1. Do damage control by coping with each other for the rest of their lives.
2. Do separation (if they can’t bear it anymore
3. Seek for the dissolution of the marriage (divorce) if they can’t bear it anymore.
Dear friends, as much as I love counseling and coaching the singles and the married, most times I find myself in a tight spot where a marital union requires nothing else other than a divorce. Therefore, I would like to appeal to everyone to do the right thing in their marriage. Make yourselves likable, desirable, and lovable. Marriage is for a lifetime, so don’t kill your spouse’s emotions, because when that happens, no matter who one is in this life, they won’t remain the same again.
